So, it's been a month since my scan, still waiting on results, seems they got lost somewhere.  Though recently cancer has become the least of my worries.  It might almost be a relief.  Never thought I'd say that.  I can't really explain for fear of jeopardizing an already hard case, but suffice it to say I've been dragged into a nightmare criminal investigation.  Not sure what the exact charges will be right now, I'm sure I'll be notified when they've been decided on, if they have enough to attempt a conviction.  (I don't have any faith in the justice system, but this cop has been surprisingly good at keeping me informed- I think he has me on speed dial haha).  But it's a sexual abuse/sexual assault case, so even though it's been a nightmare from the beginning I know it's gonna get a whole lot worse real quick - and I'm dreading it.   

My birthday's today, So not the way I planned to start 23.  Hell I didn't even plan to live to 23.  Ah well, depending on this case and my test results I may not see 24, so I guess I should try to enjoy this next year and all the chaos it's gonna bring. 

Had a counselor sprung on me on Thursday.  Ok, maybe sprung isn't the right word.  But I was definitely not informed.  My pastor told me she had a friend she'd 'love' for me to talk to.  (I should have caught on that the extra emphasis on 'love' meant trouble).  She asked again at the end of the evening and I finally agreed to hear this friend out.  "Great" she says, "She's a counselor whom I absolutely love" - Was not expecting that.  But I only agreed to meet her and hear her out (not sure what she has to say) nothing more.  Thankfully.  I also have a massive distrust of any sort of Psych/mental health personnel.  Don't like 'em- at all.  That said, with my past I probably need some sort of help.  Especially given that since this investigation started I'm sleeping very little and eating even less.  The folks who didn't think I ate nearly enough before are having major issues now (been called anorexic twice this week....seriously people?   Look at me, in no way do I look anorexic...) But we won't go there. 

Anyway, I guess I should end this  before it becomes any more pointless.  Hope this finds everyone well. 

Live Like You Were Dying......

Well, The countdown is on.  15ish hours until my CT.  It's just a simple scan, so why the Hell are my nerves completely shot?  I've been told that surgery is probably unavoidable, but we're not even there yet, I've got some time before I have to worry about how to hide it and everything else from family and friends.  I'm beginning to look like an alcoholic, even to myself, but not surprisingly nobody has mentioned, or for that matter even noticed, the fact that someone who rarely drank unless she was partying with friends has been ingesting copious amounts of Jack and/or Fireball every night for the last month or so.  I'm sure my liver loves me right now.  Anyway, I need to go find something productive, or at least mentally occupying to do for these last few hours  otherwise I'm going to go completely crazy (some would argue I have been for years), I guess the point to this is just to ask that if anyone happens to stumble across it, and you feel so inclined, I'd appreciate it if you'd take the time to say a quick prayer.  both for the scan  and that I don't hear from my Dr's office bumping my appointment up on account of these results.  And I do want to say I'm very thankful for my friend Jenn, one of 4 people in my life who know the full extent of what's going on, and who refuses to let me give up and check out, says she's happy to risk becoming known solely as "The Pain In My Ass" if it means I stick around.  So, even though I know she won't see this it needs to be said (yes, I have told her personally as well)  Thanks Jenn, I don't know where I'd be without you right now, probably not here writing this, and I truly appreciate the company tomorrow.  

Hurry Up And Wait....

Well, the first round of testing is over, and I'm waiting to move into the second.  I know for certain I'm not pregnant, but that's all I know.  They found something on the ultrasound they really don't like so my images got sent from one of the smaller local hospitals straight through to the regional hospital here instead of to my family doctor which is why it took so long for anyone who could give me answers to track them down.  Anyway, I guess I'm back to more of the same "Hurry up and wait", Man I hate this game.  I feel like I should be doing something, and in my world, "worry" doesn't count as doing something, otherwise I'd be beyond busy.  On that note I got called back to work, I thought it would be good as it would give me something to do, but my mind was anywhere but where it needed to be, and even without counting the fact that I jabbed a 5-6 mm dirty (and somewhat dull) needle completely into two different fingers within 30 minutes of each other (probably closer to 15) I almost did myself in my first day back, today was a little better, but my focus was still a million miles away.  I know it's just my family's history that's making me paranoid, but I can't help but worry.  CT scan is booked for October 21st and I need to call my GP's office back on Monday or Tuesday to book another appointment, as her secretary wasn't in today.  I definitely didn't anticipate things going like they have, I still have so many more questions than answers...and no end in sight. 

Still Nothing....

Well, the appointment went better than I could have imagined....But I still know nothing, I have tests scheduled for Friday and Monday, I hate playing wait and see... I guess this is where we break out the liquor, hope for the best and plan for the worst.....

And I'm Hanging On By A Thread

Hmm, Pretty new to this sort of thing, but it seems as good a place as any to start...Not to mention the only place where hopefully nobody knows me, even if they do bother to read this.  I'll apologise ahead of time to anyone who happens to stumble onto this for my first post being a rather heavy one.  My life is in a bit of chaos at the moment and this seems like the best place to vent.  I had a doctors appointment scheduled for last Wednesday, but my boyfriend's brother in law was killled over the holiday weekend and the funeral fell on Wednesday, so I rescheduled for this Thursday.  I want desperately to avoid it, but avoiding it isn't going to change the results any, and I can't avoid it forever, so I guess I just need to suck it up, get the tests run, and roll with the punches as it were when the results come in.  I've got a bottle of Ativan sitting here that looks so tempting, especially since I know how well they work, but the last thing I need is another addiction, especially with this looming in front of me.  Relief would be swift and sweet, but I'm not sure it's worth the price right now, I may change my mind by the end of the week.  My Aunt and a friend are trying to convince me to get rid of them, but it's not up to them to convince me of anything, I need to find it in myself to do it, otherwise it'll mean nothing.  Worst to worst I'll end up lying naked on a stainless steel table in front of said friend (she's a mortician) but really, I'm not sure that's so bad, I'd rather have her work on me than the local guy here anyway, he's always been nice enough, but he scares me, and I've made it perfectly clear to several people that should anything happen to me, forget this guy, she gets me, I trust her as much as I trust anyone, she knows most of my past, so she wouldn't be shocked by what  she saw or found and I know that she'll do her best to keep certain things from my family, even in my death.  I really shouldn't be spiralling out of control like this, but I can't help it, I'll never admit it, even to the only two people who know I'm having this test done (again, my aunt and this friend) but I'm terrified of the results, they've got huge potential to completely change my life, and all I can do is hold my breath and wait....When did life get so hard to deal with and the stakes so high? I remember when the worst thing we might face was being grounded for a weekend, or a pop quiz in math class, it was the end of the world at the time, but what I wouldn't give to have those days back, you really don't know what you've got until it's gone....