And I'm Hanging On By A Thread

Hmm, Pretty new to this sort of thing, but it seems as good a place as any to start...Not to mention the only place where hopefully nobody knows me, even if they do bother to read this.  I'll apologise ahead of time to anyone who happens to stumble onto this for my first post being a rather heavy one.  My life is in a bit of chaos at the moment and this seems like the best place to vent.  I had a doctors appointment scheduled for last Wednesday, but my boyfriend's brother in law was killled over the holiday weekend and the funeral fell on Wednesday, so I rescheduled for this Thursday.  I want desperately to avoid it, but avoiding it isn't going to change the results any, and I can't avoid it forever, so I guess I just need to suck it up, get the tests run, and roll with the punches as it were when the results come in.  I've got a bottle of Ativan sitting here that looks so tempting, especially since I know how well they work, but the last thing I need is another addiction, especially with this looming in front of me.  Relief would be swift and sweet, but I'm not sure it's worth the price right now, I may change my mind by the end of the week.  My Aunt and a friend are trying to convince me to get rid of them, but it's not up to them to convince me of anything, I need to find it in myself to do it, otherwise it'll mean nothing.  Worst to worst I'll end up lying naked on a stainless steel table in front of said friend (she's a mortician) but really, I'm not sure that's so bad, I'd rather have her work on me than the local guy here anyway, he's always been nice enough, but he scares me, and I've made it perfectly clear to several people that should anything happen to me, forget this guy, she gets me, I trust her as much as I trust anyone, she knows most of my past, so she wouldn't be shocked by what  she saw or found and I know that she'll do her best to keep certain things from my family, even in my death.  I really shouldn't be spiralling out of control like this, but I can't help it, I'll never admit it, even to the only two people who know I'm having this test done (again, my aunt and this friend) but I'm terrified of the results, they've got huge potential to completely change my life, and all I can do is hold my breath and wait....When did life get so hard to deal with and the stakes so high? I remember when the worst thing we might face was being grounded for a weekend, or a pop quiz in math class, it was the end of the world at the time, but what I wouldn't give to have those days back, you really don't know what you've got until it's gone....